


Male Bonding

by remuslives23



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Aliens, Gen, Innuendo, Snark, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 03:31:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2907701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remuslives23/pseuds/remuslives23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a not-very-bright, homicidal alien on the loose, but, really, it's all about who has the best arse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Male Bonding

**Author's Note:**

> Written for jooles34 for her prompt of Owen and Ianto and the lover100 prompt: shield.

'Ianto! Two o'clock!'

Ianto spun to his right, swinging his gun up and taking hasty aim as the eight-foot tall, built-like-a-tank Girdello ran at him from out of the shadows. He fired, but the bullets bounced harmlessly off the scarlet-skinned alien's shields, ricocheting off the brick wall of the dank alley and scattering clay and shale dust all over Ianto's good jacket. He swore under his breath, backing up fast as the Girdello kept coming.

'Owen,' he called urgently, tapping the button on his communication device. 'Where are you?'

'Coming up from behind, mate!' Owen replied, his harsh, rapid breathing loud in Ianto's ear. 'That's usually Jack's position, isn't it?'

'It's mine, actually,' Ianto retorted as his back hit the wall. 'Jack loves a good pounding.'

Owen huffed out a laugh then Ianto heard the sound of running feet slapping against the pavement, but the Girdello was right on top of him now, raising a clawed paw high, a grimace Ianto presumed was that of pleasure - or perhaps hunger, Tosh had said they were carnivorous - on its face.

'Owen, you slow fucking bastard!' Ianto cursed, lifting his gun once more. He wasn't going down without a fight, however useless his weapon might be. He got off two shots that were sure to do absolutely fuck all but, to his surprise, the Girdello hesitated in its attempt to rip his head off. Ianto's eyes widened and he glanced at his gun, startled, before he realised that it was Owen and his timely insults that had distracted the creature.

'Oi, you great ugly bugger! Over here! You don't want him! My arse is much tastier!'

There was a dull thumping sound and Ianto ducked as a brick rebounded off the Girdello's armored head. 'Watch it!' he yelled, taking advantage of the obviously not very bright Girdello's distraction to slip out of arm's reach. He circled around the edge of the alley, giving the creature a wide berth, and sidled up alongside Owen. 'About time,' he muttered.

'Ungrateful git,' Owen snarked, shooting Ianto a grin then tossing him a stun gun. 'Tosh SuperTech has come through for us yet again. Electricity will bring it down for at least a couple of hours. One shot - set it at two amps - to the back of its neck.'

Ianto stared at him then they both turned to the now very pissed off Girdello. 'The back of its neck?' Ianto said faintly, a crick forming in his neck as his gaze shifted up, up, up. 'Did she have any suggestions as to how we're supposed to do that?'

'Nope,' said Owen cheerfully, tapping Ianto on the arm and gesturing for him to peel off to the left as the Girdello regained its senses and lumbered towards them. 'Luckily, he's no great shakes in the brains department so I'll distract him with my pretty arse while you... think of something.'

'Think of... What the hell am I supposed...?' But Owen was off, waving his arms and shouting, drawing the Girdello's attention away from Ianto. Ianto grumbled promises of retribution - creative and explicit, making sure his comm unit was activated so Owen heard every single word - as he looked around the alley and weighed up his options.

Owen whooped as he dodged the Girdello's outstretched hand, the shout echoing off the walls of the narrow corridor. 'My arse is much better than yours, by the way,' Ianto muttered, considering climbing a rusty looking ladder attached to the side of a building, but ruling it out fast after it creaked ominously when he touched it. 'Jack can't get enough of it and he's a connoisseur.'

'Jack would shag a barnacle,' Owen taunted as he sidestepped the lunging Girdello. 'My arse is clearly superior. Ask Gwen or Tosh.'

Ianto rolled his eyes. 'There's some unbiased testimony,' he snorted.

'Fine,' Owen panted, swerving away from a swinging limb. 'We'll go to the pub tonight and get an opinion from someone without a vested interest. Loser buys the booze all night.'

'You're on,' Ianto growled then sighed as a solution presented itself. 'Lure him towards the back of the alley.'

He jogged to the nearest industrial bin and hauled himself up on top of it before crawling into a handy dark corner and crouching in readiness, stun gun in hand. He watched as Owen gleefully danced away from the Girdello's grasp then slipped past him, heading towards Ianto's hiding place.

'Is that all you've got?' Owen shouted at the creature as he walked backwards down the alley. 'No lasers, no catchy war cry, no tentacles...?'

'Jack will be disappointed,' Ianto said quietly as Owen came up level with the bin. 'He was hoping for tentacles this time.'

Owen laughed then ducked out of the way as the Girdello came close enough for Ianto to bring him down. 'Your turn, Jones,' he said with a smirk in his voice. 'Now I've done all the hard work for you.'

'I hate you, Harper,' Ianto retorted before leaping across the bin and slamming the stun gun into the Girdello's nape. He pulled the trigger and the alien jolted as nine hundred thousand volts jagged through it then it stiffened and plummeted like a felled tree to the floor of the alley.

Ianto stared down at the prone alien, letting his arm fall to his side. 'Sorted,' he said then grinned at a panting Owen. 'You out of shape, Doctor Harper?'

'Fuck you, Teaboy,' Owen replied, no sting in his tone. 'We'll see who's out of shape once we get to the pub.'

Ianto chuckled then leaped gracefully down from his perch, holstering the stun gun then giving the Girdello a nudge with his leather-clad foot. 'It's completely out of it,' he said.

Owen came up beside him and performed a perfunctory test. 'Yep,' he agreed as he straightened. 'We should get it back to the Hub before it comes to.' They stared down at the huge mass of bright red flesh that was the Girdello for a long moment before Owen broke the silence.

'Er, do you have any idea how we're going to fit that into the SUV?'

'Not a clue.'

'Bugger.'

fin.


End file.
